A Different Way Of Being
“How would I live if I was exactly what’s needed to heal the world?”
It starts with beauty…
What is this “different way of being” I speak about? It takes a little while to explain but here I seek to share my thinking, my philosophy on why this is something important. I‘ll use some images to help.
This philosophy underpins my coaching and mentoring work, my interactions with others, my life really. I believe it has been pivotal in my efforts to bring change and to navigate my way, and to help others navigate their own way, through difficult, complex, and seriously wicked problems.
It starts with a deep reverence for, and a deep connection to the beauty of Nature. I believe that getting connected, or for so many people re-connected to Nature is absolutely critical for us to reach this different way of being. So many of us have become disconnected from Nature. It’s why I take people on walks - Wee & Big - in the mountains and forests and why the experience is often so profound for people. The photo above, taken in majestic Iceland, shows the immensity and powerful beauty of the natural world. Get plugged into that and amazing things can happen! It’s not easy for everyone but it’s important work and absolutely fundamental to our efforts to live in this different way.
Next comes Michael Leunig’s Duck. You can learn my thoughts around Michael’s beautiful and simple drawing of that person praying to a duck by clicking below. Suffice to say here that key for me is the notion of this being a depiction of a person wanting connection with their spirit, their inner life, their soul. To their essential selves.
As Michael says in his wonderful text, “And the more he does these things, this coming to terms with his soul, the more his life takes on a sense of meaning. The search for the spirit leads to love and a better world, for him and those around him. This personal act is also a social and political act because it affects so many people who may be connected to the searcher.”
Spending time in Nature helps us get connected to ourselves, it helps us come closer to the Duck. I believe that the more we’re connected to ourselves, the better we can be and the more we can be connected with others and with the world around us. I believe this is the essence of what it means to live a good and fulfilling life. I believe it’s how we need to be if we’re to find our way through the problems we face, like climate change and other social and environmental challenges.
Next up is another of Michael’s beautiful drawings. I love this one.
My good mate Julien mentioned that this notion that we have to go up to reach something better is an idea that is repeated throughout human history and in many different cultures. He suggests that instead, we should think about going deeper, to be connected to ourselves. I of course agree with that and Michael’s Duck conveys that for me. This picture of a man climbing up through a cloud, a symbol of difficulty, to get a view of the beautiful star beyond, lifts me up. It suggests, to me at least, that we can find our way through challenges, especially if we’re connected to our Duck, but that work is required, it’s no stroll in the park. We have to climb that rickety ladder.
So what about this ladder, what does it look like?
I made my own conception of the ladder to reflect how I feel I’ve often been in my life.
Let’s start in the middle, with “LIVING”. Here, we’re going through the motions. Life is OK. It’s neither exciting, nor is it a terrible struggle. It’s a sort of nothing where we blandly turn up to life each day but we’re just participating, there’s no inspiration, no joy.
Below LIVING, things get tough. SURVIVING is where, sadly, I think a lot of folk spend their time and for a period of my life, I was in this place. This is where we’re just hanging in, skin-of-our-teeth, trying to stay with it. It’s a white knuckle ride of stress, constant fighting to keep your head above water emotionally, financially, with most aspects of your life. There’s little joy here, just huge pressures on multiple fronts with overwhelming and constant stress.
Then we get into dangerous territory. Below SURVIVING, we have BURN OUT and this is where we hit the wall. This is where the constant stress overwhelms us and we go under. Things stop working and we need a break to even consider regrouping for a climb back up the ladder.
Below BURNT OUT we can be in serious trouble. DERELICT is where you’re really damaged and the path out is long, with serious care needed. You can’t get out of here alone. Below that…DEAD.
In reality, there’s a trap door that exists between BURNT OUT and DEAD and with the serious health issues that already come with BURN OUT, we can fall through and…
What about above LIVING?
There’s a threshold there, that dotted line. This is where you truly do start living, where you move beyond just going through the motions. Above LIVING, I’ve suggested EXPERIENCING and for me, yes, this is what happens here.
You start EXPERIENCING life in a different way. It’s where you start appreciating the little things, like hints of smells as you walk, the smile on a person’s face as they pass by, the glint in the eye of your dog as she celebrates just being with you. The love in the heart of your partner, your children, your friends. It’s where music, books, the arts start to bring you real joy. This is where you start to feel truly ALIVE, truly you.
And CONNECTING? This, as the name suggests, is where you start truly connecting with people, with Nature, and most importantly, with yourself. This is where the Duck really enters your life. It’s present at every rung of the ladder but in those lower, dark regions, it’s squashed down by the pressures. Down there, you can’t hear its voice. It is with you, it’s always with you, but it’s role in your life is so diminished as to be almost meaningless. Unless you yourself find a way to give it voice.
And then DUCK FIRST is where you are deeply connected to your inner life, your soul. It’s where you and the Duck are up close and friendly. It has become your guide and it permeates every aspect of your life. Before making any decision, any judgement, you listen first to this inner voice. Your go Duck-first into the world, in every aspect of your being.
“But how do we search for our soul, our god, our inner voice? How do we find this treasure hidden in our life? How do we connect to this transforming and healing power? It seems as difficult as talking to a bird. How indeed?”
How indeed? As Michael Leunig says, “There are many ways, all of them involving great struggle, and each person must find his or her own way.”
Here’s what I’ve learned through my own great struggle. I think there are at least three really important things.
The first is an understanding of what nourishes our body AND our soul and a commitment to give time and space to those things, to ensure we give that nourishment to our whole well-being.
I call it “Radical Self-Care” and too few of us pay this concept sufficient attention.
What are the things that nourish you? I’ve listed some of the things that are central to me there on the left. I’ve left some other circles blank; for those I need to do more thinking. But this is my Radical Self-Care “map.” It’s a list of things I need to bring along if I’m to navigate my way up that ladder to a beautiful view of the stars.
You’ll see that work is in there. Of course it is, it’s important to me. But it’s in there with other important things too. Time in Nature, music (I love music), exercise, nutrition — they’re all important. Often, we start to slide down the ladder when these things become imbalanced, most commonly when we WORK, WORK, WORK!! This imbalance can quickly drop people down the ladder, falling toward BURNT OUT.
So finding a balance between all the things that nourish us really is super important, and notice that I don’t talk about “personal” or “professional” lives here. For me, there is just “life” so getting that balance right across the board is so critical to open the space for that connection to you.
The second is to understand our own, deep personal values. These are our most precious things, the diamonds in our lives. What are the values that are inherent to you, to your soul, no one else’s? To how you want to live your life?
My experience is that when you compromise on those values, for whatever reason, the dissonance eats away at your well-being very quickly. It starts as a stone in your shoe and if not attended to, it quickly becomes a blister. Unless things are set right, it escalates rapidly to full gangrene.
Truth, respect, courage, compassion and humility have always been important to me. These are my essential values for which there can be no compromise. When I’m with people who don’t live at least in part to these values, my Duck feels uneasy. The dissonance is real and I’ve learned to tune into that feeling. There are other diamonds there; not as central as these magical five, but I could easily fill them with other values that are important but where I could imagine being more pragmatic and forgiving.
Worse though is if I’m ever in a position where I’m called upon to compromise one of those essential values, my Duck just starts spinning!
Understanding your values and learning to feel the level of dissonance/happiness in your Duck is crucial to our ability to ascend the ladder. Compromising on the essential becomes a dead weight impossible to lift as you try to climb higher.
“The realities of life are often made known in a peculiar fashion and the most important thing for you to accept is that what you think you want will never be yours until the struggle is forsaken.”
The third essential thing we need is to understand that the Duck is a wild animal. If we chase after it, we chase it away.
We do need to get close to our Duck, the closer the better, the more true to ourselves we can be. But rushing around looking for it doesn’t get us closer. The Duck scurries away. When we rise to anger or when any emotion gets high and we get triggered, the Duck gets scared and hides in the bushes. That’s not to say that being angry is necessarily a bad thing. Rising to anger can help us rid ourselves of burdens; we can get poison out of our system. But staying there and operating from that place is exhausting too and not great for our well-being. Being aware of our emotions and how we’re feeling and why we’re feeling that way is key. When we neglect our self-care or when we’re not living true to our values, we can’t hear the Duck’s voice. The Duck is always there, it’s always near us, but so often our actions, our behaviour stops us from getting close to it. We simply can’t find it.
We stand the greatest chance of getting close to that Duck when we’re calm. When we slow down. When we’re centred and living according to our values and when we’re giving ourselves the deep nourishment we need, the Duck comes to us. It’s why we get so connected in Nature. We’re happy there, the Duck is home. Key then is to understand this simple truth, “Let it come to you, don’t go looking for it.”
“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music”
This then is part of the way to this “different way of being.” Only part. The essential element we must understand is that it’s a lifetime’s work and even if we climb that ladder, we can slip back down it too. The storms of life are many and these can blow us off course. The good news is that being at the bottom doesn’t mean we’re forever stuck there either. With the right approach, we can, ever so slowly but with great acceleration if we pay due care, find ourselves climbing that ladder too.
But we do have to be conscious. We have to act with intent to make sure we’re giving ourselves the best chance to get to that place where we can truly live Duck-first.
That’s what I mean when I speak about “a different way of being.”
And while some might find it all a bit ephemeral, it’s this approach to being that has helped me achieve so much in my sustainability work with some of the world’s largest companies. It’s real, and it works.
If you’d like to explore your own Values or reflect on what you need for Radical Self-Care, download the template here and fill in the circles and diamonds.
If you’d like to chat more or dig deeper on how “a different way of being” might open for you or for your organisation, click below to book an Exploratory call.